A Brand New Year: It's been a roller coaster already..

October 03, 2010

A Brand New Year: It's been a roller coaster already..

Classes have begun.. in fact I've already taken three quizzes, had a few papers to write and been under enough stress that I decide to purposely have 3 hours of doing nothing but laying by the pool to relax. And of course, there are plenty of others who have already taken exams, written multiple papers and have had to read various books. My props go out to those that work hard before classes even begin!



I've come to realize my guilty pleasure of admitting to minoring in chemistry. My lab-bench-mate in organic chemistry lab, as most other academic peers just meeting each other, asked me what my major was. Expecting molecular bio, human bio, chemical engineering, etc, she was really surprised and somewhat bewildered to learn I'm getting my bachelor's in psychology. "How does that even make sense?", a question which was a bit insulting, but nonetheless... "I am minoring in chemistry. I have the passion and adequate skills for it, and after high school I wanted to further my education in either chemistry or mathematics". I enjoy chemistry. Don't you?

Posted by Manuel C. at 10:17 PM

February 08, 2010

I'm sorry. Stop touching me and stop looking sad. Why are you mad? Stop touching me. Stop Looking sad. Stop ruining dinner and STOP TOUCHING ME. I just want to know what I did wrong. Stop texting me. Stop touching me. Stop looking sad. STOP RUINING DINNER AND STOP TOUCHING ME. I just don't know what's going on. STOP. "Sarah, where were the bathrooms? Oh okay, thanks". Why is the floor so slippery? I opened the door, and it was marvelous. It was the best time in a long crappy while. There were wonderful people inside, ones that given time I wouldn't be too shy to approach. I'm really glad I opened that door. So I went inside and looked at myself in the mirror. Don't cry. Dear God, please don't cry. Don't cry. Stop crying. Stop crying. I walk into the handicapped stall, and stand in the farthest corner, where no one can see me at all. No one at all. I am alone. How can he say that? And he doesn't know I would be upset? Stop crying. Stop crying. Don't cry anymore. Don't cry. You're good. I wait for the room to be empty, and I come out. I look at myself in the mirror. You weren't crying. You're not crying. Straighten up.

I walk over the slippery floor, pull out my seat and sit down in front of Sarah, next to Ramin. "Hey guys, sorry that took so long". I smile and continue laughing along with the others, as each tells of their funny situations. I'm asked if I'm ready to order, and only say I'm not ordering, but thank you. I can see everyone see him looking sad. I can see everyone see him looking at me with apologetic eyes. I can see everyone see me looking back with an effortful smile, seeing past it into the reason of our melancholy. STOP TEXTING ME STOP TOUCHING ME STOP LOOKING SAD STOP RUINING DINNER AND STOP TOUCHING ME. I can't take it anymore. "I'm really sorry, but I can't stay for dinner, I really need to step outside. I'm really sorry. Please enjoy the dinner guys". I walk away from the table. I turn hoping to have found the exit, only to make a fool of myself by needing to back-track and turn in a different direction. Sweet cherry on the pie of embarrassment. The door opens to the outside and I briskly walk away from The Cheesecake Factory. Then I hear the door open and close behind me. Then I hear rapid footsteps getting closer and closer.. No, please no.. Not now. I just want to be alone. Please wait up. I don't pay attention. I walk faster. My tears run quicker. The great mall blurs up, a warm feeling of comfort and home. Manuel, please can we just talk? "Why aren't you back in there having fun with your friends? Go enjoy dinner." I keep walking. Because you're not there, and you're mad at me. "Look, just let me go." I won't. I won't leave you. We're up the stairs on a walkway. The chairs and tables of the mall's courtyard seem distant beneath us. The lights are minimal, and there is no one else here. The skies are illuminated with stars, and dimly with the moon. The wind slaps. It is cold. "Ramin, I like you. I will tell you what's wrong. I just want to be alone for a few minutes. But it's okay. I will be back. I will tell you what's wrong. But please remember that I like you and don't want you to be sad. Please, don't be sad." His figure becomes smaller and smaller as I walk and walk. Around the corner I begin to run. I run for a minute or two, then run up to the roof of a nearby parking lot. And I cry.

Posted by Manuel C. at 10:53 AM

A Great Beginning of a New Year

January 03, 2010

A Great Beginning of a New Year

Oh boy, here we go.

Jonathan looked like a small town boy, with the traditional Christian upbringing, boyish soft hair and an inviting smile. I should have realized right away he had the potential to be an amazing friend. As I would arrive to our chemistry lab he'd always ask, "How was your weekend?" or "Any plans this weekend?", and I'd always honestly respond. And that was our usual conversation in class. When we had an experiment requiring lab partners, we would work together. He was intelligent and capable, and we'd always have fun together. The last day of lab he said he'd be having a little get-together at his dorm on the last Friday for all of our lab friends, so that we could all have fun and say our goodbye's. That Friday I arrive bringing Lays and Dole juice, to be welcomed by Jonathan and his two roommates, playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Everyone else from our lab, except one guy, was already out of town. We played Brawl, and apparently, I had been too modest with my skills. They thought I was hustling them, haha. We then headed to El Torito, and had a somewhat-mediocre dinner. But the company was great, as was the conversation. We got back, and his roommates left to go visit some friends, giving Jonathan and me time to talk and spend time together, alone. We had an amazing conversation, and I learned a lot about him. His roommates came and we played Taboo, until midnight came. They all went to bed and I walked home alone, reflecting on how the day turned out, possibly for the better. ..."In the fall, we circle through the leaves and talk about the little ones; And we smile...".

"We should get together and hangout sometime over winter break, since I live in Orinda and you in Daly City.. We'd both be in the bay, you know?" Remembering what he said, I texted him a week after we last saw each other. We decided to meet on the 29th.

I took the Bart to Orinda, getting there at 12pm, and Jonathan waved from his golden sedan. I can't help but smile, talking about our break so far, classes, and the plans for the day. We enter Berkeley and head to an "it's-the-best-tea-ever" tea shop for some tea. Unfortunately it was closed, so we cross the street and enter a coffee shop. "I'll take a latte, please. Double," I ordered, paid. He comes over after ordering, "Dude, what'd you get? No way, me too!" Soul mates? Too soon to tell, but I do think that we'll be spending more time together.

We talk about our old loved ones (and I try my best not to take a day or two to explain), and we walk around for a while. Soon we head to the next spot, a small sushi-serving restaurant. We order, I sit, facing away the entrance, and he brings over some tea. And we begin another amazing conversation... about books. It was incredible. I enjoyed it and felt so lucky to have found him. Then his face turned ashen and I thought he would throw up. "Oh my god.. My ex is here.." I ask him if he would like to switch seats, so they would not see each other, and he hurriedly agreed. They had ended on bad terms, and from what he told me, seeing each other now would have been terrifying, even for the other customers at the restaurant. Soon, he runs out of tea, so I offer to refill his and mine, over near the entrance. "Excuse me," "Oh, I'm sorry, go ahead," "Oh, it's quite alright, no worries"... I had spoken to a pretty, peppy looking Chinese girl, who was talented with the piano and went to Juilliard. I had spoken to his ex.

We finish our sushi, and head to a nice mini-mountain nearby. We arrive near its top, and he pulls over to the side, for us to enjoy the magnificent view of the western bay area. He wanted to make new memories there, to replace the ones he's had with his now ex, and we accomplished that. ..."In the spring, we climbed the rolling hills and talked about our budding plans; And we smiled...".

His parents called and he had to go home, unfortunately, so he dropped me off at the Bart station first. Hahaha. I thank him for an amazing day, and we plan to get together again on the 1st of January.

We couldn't meet at the planned time of 8am, since the first train out was at 8am, but we soon say our Hello's and buy some snacks at Safeway. We headed towards some mountains. We drive for an hour or two, enjoying our extended conversations due to being unaware of our whereabouts for a while. We finally find our destination and I exclaim an "OH!"... We arrived at Muir Woods, a name unfamiliar to me, but the trees, road, fences, dirt, and surroundings rang a bell, and a very loud one. We arrived to a place I have been before for a gruesome cross country practice.. I was sure I would never go back again. Hahaha, funny how we go places and see things we wouldn't want to.

But hiking to the top, on a trail rarely used by that day's visitors, was an amazing bonding experience. Though it had rained and it water-sprinkled from time to time, the mud and slippery steps only made the journey with him more enjoyable. We reach the top and take a few minutes to enjoy the view, its majesty. We do our best to figure our way back down, and arrive at the car at 5pm. We reach Orinda and its Bart station, and though he felt bad for getting lost a few times, he said he was really glad we got to spend the day together, hiking and enjoying nature. I couldn't agree more. ..."You have got to kick me back out into the cold and nasty weather...".

I couldn't help but to feel a bit down as I rode the Bart away from him. For the first time in a long while, I felt alone. I'll have to think about that more.. Could it possibly just have been because over my winter break I've been going out with friends, and now it would all end and soon I'd be in San Diego? Could it be that I have become used to being around a friend, and being alone made me feel down? Or could it be that I'm beginning to long finding someone to be intimate with?

But I also felt so overjoyed to have been with Jonathan. The day turned out amazing, and I smile just thinking about it. I can't wait to see him again.



On a side note, I spoke with Alex today on the phone. An hour-long conversation filling each other in on our break. He has a nice laugh, and I appreciate its genuineness. I can't wait to see him as well. :)


On another side note, I'm leaving for the airport in 1 hour (5:30am) and taking a plane at 7am, and I need to begin packing.. hopefully before my parents wake up in 30 minutes (5:00am).



Hope to see you soon, good friend. :)

Posted by Manuel C. at 1:37 AM

Ugh...

December 16, 2009

Ugh...

Alright, so what got the ball rolling occurred Monday morning. My brother and I were playing on the PS3 in the living room, shooting down some helicopters, when I get a text from a classmate saying the Psyc 3 grades were up. I check online, and I'm happy. I got an A. I tell my brother about it, and he is happy as well. Later on, my father comes in and sits down to eat. My brother tells him, "Hey, Manuel got an A in his class", to which my father responds, "In all classes?" and my brother says "Just his psychology class" (which sounds like I got horrible grades in all my other classes). My father turns to me and asks "Is that true?" and I say "yeah, I got an A in my psychology class, and I'm still waiting to find out what grade I received in my other classes". "Oh", my father says. After a few seconds of what seemed to be a conversation that already ended, my brother jokingly says, "hey, no congratulations?"... Oh god, I'm thinking.. I say "Oh, no it's okay, I mean, it's no big deal, it's just psychology" and my brother responds "But that's what you're majoring in, so it's still important", and I say "well, it's just an intro class, nothing too hard.. everyone gets A's"... And my father says something like, Good Job, to me. My brother and I continue shooting down the helicopters, and my father eats.

Today.. oh gee. So I wake up to find that our father isn't home, and my brother doesn't know where he is. On top of that, my mother is not answering her phone. I go out, and come back at around 5pm, to find out that no one knows where our father is, and our mother (who usually is picked up from work at 5pm by our father) had to take the bart home, at which point she had called us and told us she was at the Daly City Bart Station. I tell my brother that I can go to the Bart Station and meet up with her, and we could walk home (like we've done before), but my brother tells her that she'll go pick her up (though he's not allowed to leave the house). As he leaves, I call our father and to my surprise he picks up. He said that he's on his way home, and that he's stuck in traffic on the freeway near Oakland, and asks if he should stop by SF to buy some burritos. I say, No, it's okay, we have food (which was not entirely true), so he says he'll be home soon then. I call our mother to tell her that I'm going to run to Safeway to buy food, and she says, No, it's okay, your father is bringing burritos. Lol. Shit. So I tell her, no, it's okay, I'm going to make food. As I go to the room to pick up my keys, I notice my brothers wallet on our desk. And his driver's license inside of it. Oh shit.

So I run to Safeway, buy meat and a few vegetables, and run back. Our mother and my brother are home, and I begin to cook right away. My brother says, "Don't cook, we can call for pizza" (which is ridiculous, because A: I already bought the damn food; B: By the time pizza comes everyone could have already eaten the food I'll make; and C: With what money, you and everyone else, is broke), and I say "It's okay, I'm going to cook", to which he responds "But I don't want to wait an hour" and I sourly replied "you won't". I was sweating and soon I finished cooking the first wave of meat servings. I served it, my brother began eating, and I continued cooking the second wave of meat servings. I finished that, put it on the table and began to clean up, when our mother came to help me. Then our father came through the door. We all said hi, and our father says Thank you, to me, for cooking. My brother points at a paper, which our apartment managers had given my brother, to my father. He picks it up and asks what it is, at which point I notice my mother has began to tear up and cry a bit, as we are drying some dishes. My father heads to his room and begins to read the letter, and I whisper to my mother, What's wrong? and she just shakes her head. I whisper Later? as in, will we talk later, and she nods. I put the plate I was drying in its place and go into our parents room and ask my father what the letter says. He says "It just says that every now and then the managers will come in to see how we are doing, and if they have permission to come in when no one is home," I whisper, Then why is mother crying? to which my father replies "Your brother is making a big deal and he's made your mother cry". At this point I am confused as hell. Obviously I missed something. I didn't notice it, but my brother looked very bothered when we had the discussion about him ordering pizza and me cooking. And at that point I also realized that my mother did not really say much to my brother. I feel something coming, so I quickly grab a plate, serve myself and sit done at the table to eat. That was my first mistake. I should have gone into my own room to eat, or skip eating altogether. Sure enough, my mother goes to her room, and my father comes out and is about to serve himself food. He sees my brother all mopey and gets upset. "What's the matter, huh? What's the matter?" and my brother says nothing. "What is it?" my father asks, cross-armed. My brother gets upset and finally says, "It's just that I was driving and I could have been caught and I didn't have my license and I could have been sent to jail" (which if it were true, could not have made him seem as bothered as he did), and my father replies, "then thank God that did not happen". But my brother adds "It's just that I was taking a shower, when mom calls and asks if she can be picked up at the daly city bart station, so I get ready as quickly as I could to go get her". Again, my father replies with "Well, thank God that did not happen, you're still here with us, and that's all that matters". Here comes the Oh shit... part. "Well you should have told us where you were and if you wouldn't be able to pick up mom to go pick her up!" ...Oh shit...

My father blows up. Figuratively, of course. "So after all these years of me caring about you and worrying about you and you continuously getting in trouble and not telling us, and you lying and never telling us the truth, you are going to tell me that I should have told you what I was doing? I cannot count on you nor him [and he points at me.. sigh.. why am I involved?]. For one you are a liar and he [me] is a liar. You know what I did today? I went all the way to Sacramento to fix this mistake about the taxes. They were going to take off $900 from your mother's paycheck this Christmas. You would know that if you would pay attention and care". All the while I eat my rice as quickly as possible, and I swallow bits of meat whole. I am done with my food, but I cannot leave the table. Fuck. My father continues, until finally he is finished. He mentions that my mother is still crying because now she thinks it's her fault that my brother forgot his wallet, it's her fault that my brother could have gone to jail if he were stopped by the police, and now it's her fault that my brother is getting yelled at. Sigh.

As soon as that's over, I quickly wash all the dishes and clean the stove. I go to my room and just stay there.

At night, near 10pm or 11pm, everyone goes to their rooms. My brother gets ready to go to bed, and my parents are watching the news. Of course, I'm still using the laptop, and so I go to my parents room (since it's the only room with the lights on). Eventually, my brother comes into the room and mumbles Good Night... and starts to leave the room. Oh dear god... Why... No... Not again... Why'd you have to mumble goodnight?! fuck...

So my father gets up and says, "Hey, come back! Come in here! What's wrong, huh? It's over, we talked about it. What's done is done". I'm sitting in a chair in the way of everyone. My brother says "Nothing. It's just that.. I feel like I'm such a wreck. I can't do anything. I'm not successful. I never studied. Look at Manuel, he's going to college [which at this point I am awkwardly positioned and I dare not move (figuratively/literally). Then I got really pissed, because I wanted to scream out 'Excuse me? No one here wanted me to go to college. When I had the opportunity, you all denied me. Once December came, you all said that this was not going to happen, that there is no way I'm going to San Diego to study. None of you supported me, and none of you want me going to college. I had to fight and fight hard, you bastards. God. So pissed]. And you [my mother] are always talking about Gaby this and Carlitos that [our cousins of his same age, that are in Nicaragua and are a doctor and an architect, respectively]. Look at me. I am nothing. What have I done?" And I feel like shit being so close to him. I am angry that he used me, but I've known it all along. My father and mother talk to him, and eventually all goes back to the way it was. Then, in a joking manner, my father says, "And don't worry, we'll be out of this financial rut soon, once Manuel finishes college. He'll get a good job and he'll pay it all off within a year. So go to sleep and feel better". [Can I just say... What.. the.. fuck..] He goes to bed, my parents go to bed, and I [am still not done using the laptop] head to the only light source left, the bathroom. I begin typing this blog, and eventually my brothers texts me "Are you OK?".. Probably thinking I used the razors to cut myself..

And they all had good dreams and continued on with life the next day. I end this, and am about to play with my brother on the PS3 again. I think we're infiltrating a building this time.

The End.

Posted by Manuel C. at 11:33 PM

Best Finals Week Ever

December 12, 2009

Best Finals Week Ever

Previous Finals weeks have brought lack of sleep, lack of hunger or food, and definitely lack of joy, but this time . . . was completely different! Don't get me wrong, there was definitely no lack of stress, but there was no lack of luck, either.

Monday was windy and pouring, but I met with Sofia, a friend who is taking Physics 1A with me, at noon on campus, and we brought cheez-its and rits-bits to the study area of the library. My physics final was Tuesday and hers on Friday. We study straight until about 1:30am, at which point we stop to relax, and talk. It's 2:30am and I walk home, singing my "Gonna Sing, Damn It!" Playlist. "...I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved..., ...But if he loves me then why does he leave..., Michael and Mary and Bugsy and Buster were occupied..." Finally got home and soon after went to sleep, waking up at around 7am to continue practicing problems for the final. I head to school and arrive at 10:58am, so I run to my class and at 10:59am I realize... that the final is at 11:30am. Ugh. So I walk around campus for 25 minutes, and soon take my final. "If you have a block with mass M, and a spring on the right side and one on the left, and it's underwater, and it's on the moon, and it changes it's mass every 2 seconds, and it's upside down, and it's green..." ARGH. WTF. There were about two or three questions (out of 25) as ridiculous as that, and I just had to enter 15 on the scantron as my answer for them. Oh well. And what the hell is a micrometer? I had to ask one of the TA's ("umm is it 10^-6?" "uhh, I can't tell you, but yes, it is").

I get home, eat, and take a shower. And the cycle goes on again. I study Biology until around 2am. I sleep and wake up at 6:30am. I practice questions, and problems. I get ready and head to my final. I was lucky that the details of concepts I did not explicitly review were not in the final. And I'm glad I studied a LOT for concepts that were on the final. Ugh. Eat, shower and study..

Somewhat. I take a nap, go out to restock on food, and make a shitload of pasta with meatballs. It's nearly midnight and I'm tired. Psychology is my strong point, and I've attended all the lectures. There aren't too many concepts to cover either. Emotions, Personality, and Disorders. I go to sleep and though my alarm went off at 6:30am, I wake up at 7:30am. Shit, I've lost an hour that could have been used to study. Ah, well. I review the concepts, read a few articles, and say, "Shit, I know this!" I am ready. I go to the final, arrive on time at 11:30am, and at 11:45am I am turning in the final. I head up the steps of the lecture hall and as soon as I walk out through the door I pop in the headphones with Somewhere Over the Rainbow sung by Aselin Debison blasting. I always listen to this song after my exams. I suppose it's my victory song. :)

I get home, eat and shower, and head out in the evening to help Sofia study for her physics final on Friday. We study until about 2am, and I walk home. It's so nice to sing into the darkness. I get home, sleep, and wake up. Friday, at last. I sit on the couch with Justin next to me frantically studying, and soon make soy chorizo with tofu and rice for the both of us, for breakfast. After lounging for a bit, I force myself to begin my physics homework, that is due at midnight. After about 30 minutes I'm done. Hahah. I assumed this would take me hours. Oh well. As soon as I finished it and turned it in, I. was. FREE.

And that was my Finals Week... The BEST FINALS WEEK EVER.

But that can't be all that made it the best finals week ever, could it? Hahhaha!

So Sunday I hung out with Alex! It was awesome. We played racquetball in the afternoon, ate some dinner on campus, and then had a very amazing conversation. We talked about our moral philosophies, and our views on religion. A-fucking-mazing. We had to end it, though, since he had a final on Monday which he needed to study for.

Then Friday! In chem lab, I became friends with the other two in my bench and the three behind mine. Since our last time we'd be together would be the Thursday after Thanksgiving break, we decided to get together on Friday, as a little farewell. Unfortunately, only three of us were still in San Diego, since everyone leaves for home as soon as they possibly can (damn home-lovers. Haha), even though they have the option to stay and relax and hang out with UCSD friends. Sigh. Anyway, I call up Jonathan, a friend I made in Chem Lab, and ask what time we'd be meeting up. I went over to Vons (Safeway), and with my $7.89 budget, I bought juice and Ruffles to bring. I got there at about 6:30pm, and was surprised to just see Jonathan and his roomies. "Heeeeeeeeey, Jonathan... Sooooo... Where's Wilson?" lol. He was packing and felt really tired. Oh well. I see that they are playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl. "Brawl?" I ask. "Yea, do you play?" "Yea, once in a while." "Are you good?" "Uhh, I'm mediocre. Haha.." "Alright, let's play." So I play a round with his roommate, to remember the controls, and then I play against Jonathan. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE MEDIOCRE" he says, as I finish a very very one-sided match. "I'm sorry, haha, I guess I got lucky", I say. "No, man, you're good!" Hahah, damn my modesty.

Then during a battle I was winning, I get a call from Alex. I called him earlier, at around three, and left him a voicemail saying "Happy Birthday!!" Of course, I had to hear it and re-record it several times... I pick up the phone, say "Hey, Alex! How is your birthday going?", and unfortunately, I defeated Jonathan at that same moment and yelled "Hell Yea!".. Alex was home already, and he was having an okay day. I wish I could have done more than say Happy Birthday, though. We talked for a while, and then I wished him a good weekend, and that we'd talk again later, and I then continued winning :). I felt awful for not giving Alex my undivided attention, though. So finally Jonathan, his roomies and I headed to El Torito, and we had a good dinner and some good conversation. Jonathan is another friend that I can hold deeper conversations with, and it doesn't seem like he could get that from his roomies. After El Torito we head to Peet's Coffee, and after everyone had ordered, we wait near the products and we talk. Then a man comes up behind us, and after a while, with a rude attitude, says "Are you not in line?" no "Ugh, so you can just stand here and talk while people want to get coffee. Unbelieveable.." to which I responded, "Oh, yeah, no we're sorry, we didn't think that standing over here, where the products are and not at all where the register and the counter is, would confuse people and make them think we are in line, when we so clearly are not. MY APOLOGY." Damn jerk. And then I got pissed off that he was making small talk with a father and his little innocent 2 year old daughter. I felt like screaming "NO! DON'T TALK TO HIM! HE'S A MEAN JERK!" but I controlled it. Hahah. We drank our coffee outside, and his roomies talked about the jerk. "I'm glad you said something to him. He seemed like he thought he would be able to say shit to us and get away with it". So we continued talking and eventually headed back to campus and had a good conversation about alcohol and the law. Afterwards we played Taboo, a game I've never played before, but luckily, Jonathan and I made a good team and we won. lol. His roommates left, and it was just Jonathan and me left. We talked about classes, our lab class in particular, and finally being done. He lives in Orinda, which is one of the BART stops, so we'll be able to hang out over the break. I'm looking forward to it.

So the academic quarter is over. I have completed my very first course in Physics, and have come out of it standing; I have experienced some good parties and kickbacks, and had some fun there; I've joined the running club and felt good running with others that enjoy running, and most importantly, I've come to know three very important collegues that I will continue to see: Sofia, my study partner and party partner; Jonathan, my lab mate and good-conversation-friend; and Alex. :) Alexander Vo. More later :)


:)



-MC

Posted by Manuel C. at 12:27 PM

Until the Bitter End..

November 13, 2009

Until the Bitter End..

Life can get fucking shitty at times. And it sucks that I know things will get better, but they just aren't. What sucks even more is thinking that some of these things will never get better, and it would be a fact. And I am afraid to accept that. I am afraid that as soon as I accept the fact that these things will never change, I will lose myself. I will begin thinking ''why try to change things? Why not just be alone and miserable for the rest of my life?''. I become one of them. Another incapable-of-empathy, don't-understand-shit-about-how-hard-others-around-me-try, drifting-through-life and too-cowardly-to-die, human being.

How short-sighted would it be if the reason that I would switch career paths from becoming a psychiatrist to becoming a researcher would be to research why certain people either have a horrible, misconstrued perception of reality and have twisted versions of things that occur, or actually cannot empathize nor understand what they cause in others, ie, their words and its consequences on others, their behavior and its consequences on others, their actions (or lack of) and its consequences on others?

I cannot believe how much of an impact these people can have. What I have experienced has affected my interests. My future. My damn future. MY future. My FUTURE. But I won't succumb to complain. I've too much pride for that. Too much pride to have even admitted this has largely affected me. How much impact do I have on others? Can I make others feel better by just being there? Like others make me feel bitter by just being here? Bitter, bitter, bitter.

"You're a pathetic asshole, and you won't change. Even if your miserable self wanted to it'd be for the wrong reasons," I've practiced saying. If I ever come across him, it won't be "oh, hey! How've you been?" it'll be a fucking shoulder tackle that knocks him down. I'll say it, ask if he has anything he'd like to say, and I'll keep walking after whatever happens. Too violent? I'm not a violent person.

Fuck.

The world hasn't ended yet. And that's the worst part..

"And the clock still strikes midnight and noon
And the sun still rises and so does the moon
Birds still migrate south and people move on"

When is it my turn to move on? I want to badly. I don't want to give that someone the satisfaction of having me mad, wasting my time talking about it, staying up at nights thinking about everything that happened, it shouldn't be worth my effort. When will my clock strike noon and everything will be tucked away where it will never affect me again? Will it ever?

Posted by Manuel C. at 12:18 AM

Just Another Day in the City

November 01, 2009

Just Another Day in the City

"Man lowers his head and lunges into civilization, forgetting the days of his infancy when he sought truth in a snowflake or a stick. Man forgets the wisdom of the child.”

- Jack Kerouac (1922 - 1969)

What did I do this weekend? Oh, not much.. I just took a plane to San Francisco on Friday, arrived at 4:30pm. I went to the bank and walked to Eggettes. I met a beautiful young woman, gently working her day away. Her nice coworkers smiled as I ordered, and as I sat and ate. It had been the young woman's birthday the day before, and luckily I had a happy birthday bag with me, filled with special tickets to some special performances. Eating and eating and drinking we laughed, until a nice woman came to take us away. Her sincerity was wondrous, noted through our little conversations as the young woman slept. Soon we arrived to a neon-covered theatre, with little black lines and curves that formed the name "Regina Spektor". Crowded with college adults and regular adults, with a faint smell of alcohol and sweat lingering here and there, the theatre had space for us to take a stand near its steps to the front.

Beautiful sounds came from such a petite and rare artist. True music filled the theatre, surrounded our hearts and souls, and brought us closer to one another. Inspiring violin and cello playing accompany the mesmerizing playing of piano; their music transcend their bounderies and blend smoothly together, often with the vitalizing beat of drums. As 19 works of art are emotionally produced, I melt until the longest pause I've cheered for an encore. To total 23, four more songs are sang, highlights of the playlist. Could there be any better way to end than with the epics Samson, Us, Fidelity and Love You're a Whore?

Singing the way back home with the beautiful young woman and her sincere sister, the night grow closer to Saturday, until it was. As I waved the last goodbye, I called my brother to surprise him as I ask him to open the door. They had no idea I was coming. I slept after an emotional reunion and warm embraces from family. In the morning I woke up early to sit at the table and pretended to read a newspaper as my father walked through the door. "Oh, hi papá" I managed to say over a quivering voice and a beating heart. I was glad to have him hug me and say "you're so crazy". Tear.

Posted by Manuel C. at 8:01 PM

Good Day in College.

October 16, 2009

Good Day in College.

The highlight of my second year in college was Thursday, October 15, 2009. It started out as a feeling; I felt okay to be awake (I had no drowsiness overstay its welcome, no I'm-about-to-die-if-I-don't-eat-something-this-minute morning hunger, and I didn't feel the need to bash my cellphone to pieces as its alarm went off), and it was an inspiring feeling. Then that feeling grew into a hope; perhaps today I'll be lucky and win the lottery, or perhaps today will be the day I meet the next person I'll fall in love with. Then I had a quiet thought, is anyone home, which then turned into a quiet word, hello? And then that word grew louder and louder, until I sang a battle cry. No one is home! Yay! I hop to the kitchen, start boiling some water, skip to the living room, place my iPod to play with surround sound speakers, and jump over to the couch, where I had already laid out my homework utensils: the chemistry lab notebook, a graphing calculator and a scientific, my blue pen, and my laptop. I do my usual check of the school's online website, and notice my psychology professor has posted grades for the midterm we took Monday. Hell yea... Hell YEA!! One question wrong. Just one. Out of the entire midterm, I had just one question wrong!! Hoorah! I share the top spot in the class of 277 students with a mere 2 others. It's finally my moment to shine.

After coming back down to earth, I begin preparing my lab notebook for today's lab; I draw the tables, set up the calculations, underline here, bold that... It's all ready for me to just fill in the blanks with data. I'm amazed at how much Chem (especially AP Chem) prepared me for this course. I'm actually thinking AP Chem might have been more stressful, but of course, the year has just begun. I catch the shuttle to campus, run up 4 flights of stairs and arrive at the lab. I set up my station, let's see, buret, clamps, NaOH solution, aaaaaaaaaaand done! I have the best trials I've ever had titrating an organic acid with NaOH to the phenolphthalein's endpoint (you know, the lab where you pour solution until it turns pink?). Well, each of the four trials resulted in extremely accurate and precise measurements, with the solution turning only the slightest shade of pink. Wow, that's really good! Could you titrate mine? You look like a pro! Hey, good job! Yea, lol, thanks. I'm the first one to finish, and leave the lab a full hour and thirty minutes early.

I walk over to see Carin and wish her a happy birthday. When I gave her a hug, "wow, you're so skinny!" Confidence boost! Quick note: I don't know for sure how I feel when I think about my body image. I know that I'm skinny, but for some reason, I don't feel it's enough. I feel the need to drop a few inches off my waist. I've actually spoken about this with Kaitlin (I know it would be a horrible idea to speak about weight with someone who is even a tad bit insecure themselves, but she's awesome and is comfortable with who she is), on two occasions. One was a quickie; two or three weeks ago, when we had a pool party, one of her friends (about my size, but taller) needed pool shorts. I grab my favorite ones and as I hand it to him I say "Here you go. These might be too big, though.." My roommate, "are you kidding me? You have like a 28" waist!". Uncomfortable. The other was last night. We were outside our apartment, just talking. Oh, actually, before that there was another two nights ago. lol. I asked her what she thought if I was Jack Skellington for Halloween. "Oh, you'd be good! You're tall and skinny!" Height is another issue, which I'll bring up later, somehow. But Jack Skellington is bones. I didn't think I could pull it off. I felt ridiculously overweight (compared to Jack Skellington, that is). So anyway, last night my roommate and I are talking about a lot of stuff, and one point that I brought up was that pressure for girls to be skinny is lightening up a bit, now that more and more people are against ultra skinny models and such. However, there is still a lot of pressure for certain guys, especially in the gay community, to be thin. Unfortunately, I'm feeling that pressure. And it sucks ass. I must explain myself, though: I am aware that the pressure is dumb, and that I'm already skinny, and there's no need to worry or even feed into the hype, and that I shouldn't be worrying about it, but it's still there. The idea of becoming thinner is still floating around in my mind. It's stupid to be thinking this, and I dislike that I do, but it's going to take a lot to change it. She let me know that I'm skinny, and that I shouldn't be thinking about things like this. At one point in our conversation she said that she would guess my weight. I was horrified. I said NO. Nuh-uh. No Way. You are NOT going to guess how much I weigh. She asked, "are you afraid that I'll guess too high or too low?" "I'm afraid that you'll guess too low". She was surprised, as probably most would be, saying that if she guesses lower than what my actual weight is, it means I look skinnier than I actually look, which is a good thing. No Way, not in my book. I argued with this analogy: okay, imagine you are the top student in your calculus class. All other students look up to you and are amazed that you always have the highest score on exams and such. Then one day you get your exam passed back and you see that you got a C. Everyone comes up to you (they don't know what you got) and say things like "Hey, this guy probably set the curve again!" "Good job on the test, man!" "You always get such high scores, how do you do it!" etc. Personally, I would not feel good at all. And it's exactly how I would feel if someone guessed my weight and they guessed too low.

Ummmm, well anyway, so I wish Carin a happy birthday. I head home, wash the dishes all the while having my playlist that includes a large amount of Regina Spektor, Vienna Teng, Alicia Keys, and Shakira, on shuffle and singing along. Will the neighbors ever complain? I don't think so, especially with songs like Anna Rose and Chemo Limo.

I ran for a good hour and 15 minutes. SO relaxing, even though I just barely avoided running into an on-coming bicycle.. twice. Afterwards, I headed to the apartment gym, cooled down and pumped some iron! lol. Heading towards my apartment I see the Peter!! I scratch his head and rush over to my apartment and bring out a can of cat food. He got so excited when I came back that he rubbed madly against my legs, and as I opened the tin cover and placed it on the floor he gave me one final push with his head.





Yay for animal friends.

As I crouched, watching the little fella eat, two girls approached me and crouched down as well. They said nothing! uhhhhh awkward silence.... "You can come pet it, if you want. The cat is very nice". I'm guessing they aren't much talkers... Pause... "Soooo... do you guys go to UCSD?" "Yes, I do. My sister here goes already graduated". Thank god they responded. From then on the conversation went a bit more smoothly, until I noticed the time (near 11pm) and decided it's best to head to the apartment and finish homework.


So overall, a very nice day. =)

Posted by Manuel C. at 2:36 AM

Forgiving. Forgetting. Forgiving. Forgetting.

October 01, 2009

Forgiving. Forgetting. Forgiving. Forgetting.

My heart beat wildly. What did he say? Fuck. Gotta study for physics. It's freaking 1am and I'm tired. You know I don't ever want to hear of him ever again. I'm trying my best to concentrate on my notes, rather than on the tv. "I saw Joseph today." F equals m times a. F equals m times a. F equals m times a. "Hmmm" ... "Yup. I saw him twice actually. Yup". F equals m times a. F equals m times a. F equals m times fucking a. "Hmmm".

Soon after, the tv was turned off and Justin fell asleep on the couch. I kept repeating elementary formulas until I knew I could remember them forever. I finished all other homework due the next day, took my contacts off, and went to bed at 3:30am. 8:00am. Wake up! Test! Documentary! Study Hall! Lab! 11am to 4pm. Growl. So damn hungry.

There'll be a concert on campus. Anberlin and The Game. Until 12am. Fuck, I'm sleeping until 10pm. Steven, ready to go? As I rush to meet up with him (he lives one hall away in my apartment complex), I take a detour to McDonalds (a block away). I scarfed down two double cheeseburgers on my way to his apartment, lubed with coca cola. Not the best idea considering it's been months since I've had hamburgers. Sure enough, after the concert, Steven and I eat at In N Out with another friend. Ugh. I've never had In N Out, and this was not going to be a good first time. It wasn't. We went to an after party at a friend's apartment. Beer Pong (it's apparently the shit nowadays), and weed brownies. Cool. Sober, I drive my friends back to our apartment complex. I'm either a natural driver, or very lucky that the roads were empty. Slept at 3:30am again, and woke up at 8:00am again. Judo. Sleeeeeeep. Woke up at 10pm, again. Sarah! What are you up to? Awesome! I arrive at Sarah's condo. Very cool. High Ceiling, a loft, 5 girls and 2 guys. Politics, the lack of community and rebelliousness at UCSD, culture, high school, love, friends. Best conversation I've had in a while. I end up sleeping over. Walking back would be suicide at that time of the night. We watch Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Fast Paced humour, thrilling murders. Sunday: sleep, study, run, study, sleep. Very symmetrical day.

Wait.

You saw Joseph? Oh god. I hope you smacked him in the head and punched him a few times for me. Please say you did. "We talked for a small amount of time. I needed to get to work. He seems exactly the same. He hasn't changed one bit." Thank God. That means there is still hope he'll rot alone and slowly self-destruct in his own misery, the misery that is Joseph.

I finally told Justin how I felt. I was pretty disturbed when he said he saw him and talked to him. " You should see him. I mean, you hung out with him more than you did me. You should definitely go see him. Especially if he makes you happy." No. That little fuck-tard will only bring back memories of frustration, and make me miserable again. I will never be happy again with him. I'm sorry, but no.

Forgive and forget?

How many of us know of that one dysfunctional couple? You know, the one where the guy is a jerk, and the girl is change-blinded by love.



Sometimes the guy does something incredibly hurtful, the girl is hurt, and soon they both say they are sorry. Umm.. no, what the fuck is that? "It's okay, I still love you." The girl goes back to him and the cycle repeats itself.

There are too many times that we "forgive" people too easily. And two types of this I'd like to focus on. One where we completely forgive and move on (forgiving and forgetting, like the girl in the above example), and one where we say we forgive, only to actually bottle up the anger and feed our grudge ("forgiving" and growing a grudge, like the girl in the following example).

The girl is washing the dishes. The guy is on the sofa watching tv. She notices the wooden spoon that her mother sent from home is badly burnt and the handle is breaking apart. Her heart sinks. "Did you do this?" "Oh yea, sorry hun". Umm.. no, fuck that, you fucking messed up my wooden spoon. "It's okay! *smiley face and giggle*". The scenario mutates into practically every argument they have.

I'm not doing that. Not again. Not after experiencing first hand what it feels like to have all that effort of holding the anger in and quenching the grudge to be happy. I've noticed a few changes in my temperament in certain situations. At the movie theaters in Daly City, if the person behind me was constantly kicking my chair, I dealt with it and I didn't give a crap who it was. "Stop kicking my chair". My roommate and I were going to have guests over one night, and I knew that I'd be having someone in my room, which at the time was a complete mess. Cleaned up and asked Justin if he could clean up his stuff too, that I'd be having someone over. "What, are they going to go through our things and criticize our room?" "No, I want it clean. No one likes a messy room. Just clean it up". After severe reluctancy, being the passive-aggressive he's known to be, he says "Come check out our room". Mind you, we have guests over and I'm serving out rigatoni to friends. "Justin, it's fine, as long as you cleaned it". "I just want to make sure it's clean enough for you". Disssss... . Two Fridays ago I'm finishing up a physics lab with my group. The last bit was to describe how we'd estimate the amount of M&M's in a jar. To help figure it out, our TA gave one group the jar filled somewhat halfway with M&M's, and an empty jar, and this was passed around the lab. After my group was done with it, I went to the table across from us and offered them the jars. "No, we don't need it right, now, thank you though! *smile*". Nice people. I go over to the next table. I ask. I'm greeted by a girl that after my question looks at me with a smug expression and rudely says "No, does it look like we need it? Come back later". Uh, no. I'm not taking that. So I throw the empty jar right at her face, and I open the lid to the other jar and propel all the M&M's at her. Well, in my imagination. I just rolled my eyes and went back to my group of friendly classmates.

Did I forgive and forget in all three situations? I "forgot", in the sense that I didn't hold a grudge in any of them. But what about forgiving? How do you forgive? To me, forgiving doesn't mean that I let the other person off the hook, or that I pretend it never happened. Forgiving is when you know that whatever happened has happened, and you have minimal current feelings associated with whatever happened.

For the first part of my definition of forgiving, it is not as simple as accepting "it" as it is, and disregarding it, tossing it aside and forgetting it ever happened, but rather always knowing that it happened (quite the opposite, really).

Hey remember that time when we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth?
Hey remember that time when my favorite colors was pink and green?
Hey remember that time when I only ate boxes of tangerines? So cheap and juicy! Tangerines.
Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare?
Hey remember that time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes?

As for the second part, you don't hold a judge when you forgive. That's not forgiving. But you also don't just let it pass, and you become emotionless. I think it's best to always let it bother you, just a bit. If you go around and don't let it disturb you, when it happens again you'll let it slide. If it always bothers you, when it happens again, you'll do something about it. You will not let it slide. So you can't hold a grudge if you want to truly forgive someone for something, but you also can't let it mean nothing to you.

The person kicking my chair stopped. Never hit my chair again. I didn't hold a grudge, and I didn't feel anger towards him. But at the same time, I'll always be bothered if someone is kicking my chair. I forgave him. Justin being a passive-aggressive friend? He did his part. He organized his stuff. It's his personality. It's not something that you can forgive. I just don't care. Sure it'd be nice if he changed. I'll bring it up one day. But until then, it's yet to bother me to the point where it bothers me. Ha. The rude girl in physics? I don't forgive her. I have no reason to. I don't forgive people the way I pass out smiles. If they don't deserve to be forgiven, why should I do so? I'm not going to forgive someone that is unnecessarily rude, but I won't hold a grudge either, and I'm most likely not going to trip her on purpose the next time I see her.

Point in hand. Joseph. Have I forgiven him? No. There is still too much anger and bitterness. Too much remorse and regret. Too big of a grudge. Will I forgive him? I don't know. I just know that at this point his unchanging personality and self-destructing patheticalness upsets me and I never want to come in contact with such a thing. Ever.


I fed a cat today. =)

Posted by Manuel C. at 4:50 PM