February 08, 2010
I'm sorry. Stop touching me and stop looking sad. Why are you mad? Stop touching me. Stop Looking sad. Stop ruining dinner and STOP TOUCHING ME. I just want to know what I did wrong. Stop texting me. Stop touching me. Stop looking sad. STOP RUINING DINNER AND STOP TOUCHING ME. I just don't know what's going on.
STOP. "Sarah, where were the bathrooms? Oh okay, thanks". Why is
the floor so slippery? I opened the door, and it was marvelous. It was
the best time in a long crappy while. There were wonderful people
inside, ones that given time I wouldn't be too shy to approach. I'm
really glad I opened that door. So I went inside and looked at myself
in the mirror. Don't cry. Dear God, please don't cry. Don't cry.
Stop crying. Stop crying. I walk into the handicapped stall, and stand
in the farthest corner, where no one can see me at all. No one at all.
I am alone. How can he say that? And he doesn't know I would be
upset? Stop crying. Stop crying. Don't cry anymore. Don't cry.
You're good. I wait for the room to be empty, and I come out. I look
at myself in the mirror. You weren't crying. You're not crying.
Straighten up.
I walk over the slippery floor, pull out my seat and sit down in front of Sarah, next to Ramin. "Hey guys, sorry that took so long". I smile and continue laughing along with the others, as each tells of their funny situations. I'm asked if I'm ready to order, and only say I'm not ordering, but thank you. I can see everyone see him looking sad. I can see everyone see him looking at me with apologetic eyes. I can see everyone see me looking back with an effortful smile, seeing past it into the reason of our melancholy. STOP TEXTING ME STOP TOUCHING ME STOP LOOKING SAD STOP RUINING DINNER AND STOP TOUCHING ME. I can't take it anymore. "I'm really sorry, but I can't stay for dinner, I really need to step outside. I'm really sorry. Please enjoy the dinner guys". I walk away from the table. I turn hoping to have found the exit, only to make a fool of myself by needing to back-track and turn in a different direction. Sweet cherry on the pie of embarrassment. The door opens to the outside and I briskly walk away from The Cheesecake Factory. Then I hear the door open and close behind me. Then I hear rapid footsteps getting closer and closer.. No, please no.. Not now. I just want to be alone. Please wait up. I don't pay attention. I walk faster. My tears run quicker. The great mall blurs up, a warm feeling of comfort and home. Manuel, please can we just talk? "Why aren't you back in there having fun with your friends? Go enjoy dinner." I keep walking. Because you're not there, and you're mad at me. "Look, just let me go." I won't. I won't leave you. We're up the stairs on a walkway. The chairs and tables of the mall's courtyard seem distant beneath us. The lights are minimal, and there is no one else here. The skies are illuminated with stars, and dimly with the moon. The wind slaps. It is cold. "Ramin, I like you. I will tell you what's wrong. I just want to be alone for a few minutes. But it's okay. I will be back. I will tell you what's wrong. But please remember that I like you and don't want you to be sad. Please, don't be sad." His figure becomes smaller and smaller as I walk and walk. Around the corner I begin to run. I run for a minute or two, then run up to the roof of a nearby parking lot. And I cry.
I walk over the slippery floor, pull out my seat and sit down in front of Sarah, next to Ramin. "Hey guys, sorry that took so long". I smile and continue laughing along with the others, as each tells of their funny situations. I'm asked if I'm ready to order, and only say I'm not ordering, but thank you. I can see everyone see him looking sad. I can see everyone see him looking at me with apologetic eyes. I can see everyone see me looking back with an effortful smile, seeing past it into the reason of our melancholy. STOP TEXTING ME STOP TOUCHING ME STOP LOOKING SAD STOP RUINING DINNER AND STOP TOUCHING ME. I can't take it anymore. "I'm really sorry, but I can't stay for dinner, I really need to step outside. I'm really sorry. Please enjoy the dinner guys". I walk away from the table. I turn hoping to have found the exit, only to make a fool of myself by needing to back-track and turn in a different direction. Sweet cherry on the pie of embarrassment. The door opens to the outside and I briskly walk away from The Cheesecake Factory. Then I hear the door open and close behind me. Then I hear rapid footsteps getting closer and closer.. No, please no.. Not now. I just want to be alone. Please wait up. I don't pay attention. I walk faster. My tears run quicker. The great mall blurs up, a warm feeling of comfort and home. Manuel, please can we just talk? "Why aren't you back in there having fun with your friends? Go enjoy dinner." I keep walking. Because you're not there, and you're mad at me. "Look, just let me go." I won't. I won't leave you. We're up the stairs on a walkway. The chairs and tables of the mall's courtyard seem distant beneath us. The lights are minimal, and there is no one else here. The skies are illuminated with stars, and dimly with the moon. The wind slaps. It is cold. "Ramin, I like you. I will tell you what's wrong. I just want to be alone for a few minutes. But it's okay. I will be back. I will tell you what's wrong. But please remember that I like you and don't want you to be sad. Please, don't be sad." His figure becomes smaller and smaller as I walk and walk. Around the corner I begin to run. I run for a minute or two, then run up to the roof of a nearby parking lot. And I cry.
No comments:
Post a Comment