October 01, 2009
Forgiving. Forgetting. Forgiving. Forgetting.
My heart beat wildly. What
did he say? Fuck. Gotta study for physics. It's freaking 1am and
I'm tired. You know I don't ever want to hear of him ever again. I'm trying my best to concentrate on my notes, rather than on the tv. "I saw Joseph today." F equals m times a. F equals m times a. F equals m times a. "Hmmm" ... "Yup. I saw him twice actually. Yup". F equals m times a. F equals m times a. F equals m times fucking a. "Hmmm".
Soon after, the tv was turned off and Justin fell asleep on the couch. I kept repeating elementary formulas until I knew I could remember them forever. I finished all other homework due the next day, took my contacts off, and went to bed at 3:30am. 8:00am. Wake up! Test! Documentary! Study Hall! Lab! 11am to 4pm. Growl. So damn hungry.
There'll be a concert on campus. Anberlin and The Game. Until 12am. Fuck, I'm sleeping until 10pm. Steven, ready to go? As I rush to meet up with him (he lives one hall away in my apartment complex), I take a detour to McDonalds (a block away). I scarfed down two double cheeseburgers on my way to his apartment, lubed with coca cola. Not the best idea considering it's been months since I've had hamburgers. Sure enough, after the concert, Steven and I eat at In N Out with another friend. Ugh. I've never had In N Out, and this was not going to be a good first time. It wasn't. We went to an after party at a friend's apartment. Beer Pong (it's apparently the shit nowadays), and weed brownies. Cool. Sober, I drive my friends back to our apartment complex. I'm either a natural driver, or very lucky that the roads were empty. Slept at 3:30am again, and woke up at 8:00am again. Judo. Sleeeeeeep. Woke up at 10pm, again. Sarah! What are you up to? Awesome! I arrive at Sarah's condo. Very cool. High Ceiling, a loft, 5 girls and 2 guys. Politics, the lack of community and rebelliousness at UCSD, culture, high school, love, friends. Best conversation I've had in a while. I end up sleeping over. Walking back would be suicide at that time of the night. We watch Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Fast Paced humour, thrilling murders. Sunday: sleep, study, run, study, sleep. Very symmetrical day.
Wait.
You saw Joseph? Oh god. I hope you smacked him in the head and punched him a few times for me. Please say you did. "We talked for a small amount of time. I needed to get to work. He seems exactly the same. He hasn't changed one bit." Thank God. That means there is still hope he'll rot alone and slowly self-destruct in his own misery, the misery that is Joseph.
I finally told Justin how I felt. I was pretty disturbed when he said he saw him and talked to him. " You should see him. I mean, you hung out with him more than you did me. You should definitely go see him. Especially if he makes you happy." No. That little fuck-tard will only bring back memories of frustration, and make me miserable again. I will never be happy again with him. I'm sorry, but no.
Forgive and forget?
How many of us know of that one dysfunctional couple? You know, the one where the guy is a jerk, and the girl is change-blinded by love.
Sometimes the guy does something incredibly hurtful, the girl is hurt, and soon they both say they are sorry. Umm.. no, what the fuck is that? "It's okay, I still love you." The girl goes back to him and the cycle repeats itself.
There are too many times that we "forgive" people too easily. And two types of this I'd like to focus on. One where we completely forgive and move on (forgiving and forgetting, like the girl in the above example), and one where we say we forgive, only to actually bottle up the anger and feed our grudge ("forgiving" and growing a grudge, like the girl in the following example).
The girl is washing the dishes. The guy is on the sofa watching tv. She notices the wooden spoon that her mother sent from home is badly burnt and the handle is breaking apart. Her heart sinks. "Did you do this?" "Oh yea, sorry hun". Umm.. no, fuck that, you fucking messed up my wooden spoon. "It's okay! *smiley face and giggle*". The scenario mutates into practically every argument they have.
I'm not doing that. Not again. Not after experiencing first hand what it feels like to have all that effort of holding the anger in and quenching the grudge to be happy. I've noticed a few changes in my temperament in certain situations. At the movie theaters in Daly City, if the person behind me was constantly kicking my chair, I dealt with it and I didn't give a crap who it was. "Stop kicking my chair". My roommate and I were going to have guests over one night, and I knew that I'd be having someone in my room, which at the time was a complete mess. Cleaned up and asked Justin if he could clean up his stuff too, that I'd be having someone over. "What, are they going to go through our things and criticize our room?" "No, I want it clean. No one likes a messy room. Just clean it up". After severe reluctancy, being the passive-aggressive he's known to be, he says "Come check out our room". Mind you, we have guests over and I'm serving out rigatoni to friends. "Justin, it's fine, as long as you cleaned it". "I just want to make sure it's clean enough for you". Disssss... . Two Fridays ago I'm finishing up a physics lab with my group. The last bit was to describe how we'd estimate the amount of M&M's in a jar. To help figure it out, our TA gave one group the jar filled somewhat halfway with M&M's, and an empty jar, and this was passed around the lab. After my group was done with it, I went to the table across from us and offered them the jars. "No, we don't need it right, now, thank you though! *smile*". Nice people. I go over to the next table. I ask. I'm greeted by a girl that after my question looks at me with a smug expression and rudely says "No, does it look like we need it? Come back later". Uh, no. I'm not taking that. So I throw the empty jar right at her face, and I open the lid to the other jar and propel all the M&M's at her. Well, in my imagination. I just rolled my eyes and went back to my group of friendly classmates.
Did I forgive and forget in all three situations? I "forgot", in the sense that I didn't hold a grudge in any of them. But what about forgiving? How do you forgive? To me, forgiving doesn't mean that I let the other person off the hook, or that I pretend it never happened. Forgiving is when you know that whatever happened has happened, and you have minimal current feelings associated with whatever happened.
For the first part of my definition of forgiving, it is not as simple as accepting "it" as it is, and disregarding it, tossing it aside and forgetting it ever happened, but rather always knowing that it happened (quite the opposite, really).
Hey remember that time when we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth?
Hey remember that time when my favorite colors was pink and green?
Hey remember that time when I only ate boxes of tangerines? So cheap and juicy! Tangerines.
Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare?
Hey remember that time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes?
As for the second part, you don't hold a judge when you forgive. That's not forgiving. But you also don't just let it pass, and you become emotionless. I think it's best to always let it bother you, just a bit. If you go around and don't let it disturb you, when it happens again you'll let it slide. If it always bothers you, when it happens again, you'll do something about it. You will not let it slide. So you can't hold a grudge if you want to truly forgive someone for something, but you also can't let it mean nothing to you.
The person kicking my chair stopped. Never hit my chair again. I didn't hold a grudge, and I didn't feel anger towards him. But at the same time, I'll always be bothered if someone is kicking my chair. I forgave him. Justin being a passive-aggressive friend? He did his part. He organized his stuff. It's his personality. It's not something that you can forgive. I just don't care. Sure it'd be nice if he changed. I'll bring it up one day. But until then, it's yet to bother me to the point where it bothers me. Ha. The rude girl in physics? I don't forgive her. I have no reason to. I don't forgive people the way I pass out smiles. If they don't deserve to be forgiven, why should I do so? I'm not going to forgive someone that is unnecessarily rude, but I won't hold a grudge either, and I'm most likely not going to trip her on purpose the next time I see her.
Point in hand. Joseph. Have I forgiven him? No. There is still too much anger and bitterness. Too much remorse and regret. Too big of a grudge. Will I forgive him? I don't know. I just know that at this point his unchanging personality and self-destructing patheticalness upsets me and I never want to come in contact with such a thing. Ever.
I fed a cat today. =)
Soon after, the tv was turned off and Justin fell asleep on the couch. I kept repeating elementary formulas until I knew I could remember them forever. I finished all other homework due the next day, took my contacts off, and went to bed at 3:30am. 8:00am. Wake up! Test! Documentary! Study Hall! Lab! 11am to 4pm. Growl. So damn hungry.
There'll be a concert on campus. Anberlin and The Game. Until 12am. Fuck, I'm sleeping until 10pm. Steven, ready to go? As I rush to meet up with him (he lives one hall away in my apartment complex), I take a detour to McDonalds (a block away). I scarfed down two double cheeseburgers on my way to his apartment, lubed with coca cola. Not the best idea considering it's been months since I've had hamburgers. Sure enough, after the concert, Steven and I eat at In N Out with another friend. Ugh. I've never had In N Out, and this was not going to be a good first time. It wasn't. We went to an after party at a friend's apartment. Beer Pong (it's apparently the shit nowadays), and weed brownies. Cool. Sober, I drive my friends back to our apartment complex. I'm either a natural driver, or very lucky that the roads were empty. Slept at 3:30am again, and woke up at 8:00am again. Judo. Sleeeeeeep. Woke up at 10pm, again. Sarah! What are you up to? Awesome! I arrive at Sarah's condo. Very cool. High Ceiling, a loft, 5 girls and 2 guys. Politics, the lack of community and rebelliousness at UCSD, culture, high school, love, friends. Best conversation I've had in a while. I end up sleeping over. Walking back would be suicide at that time of the night. We watch Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Fast Paced humour, thrilling murders. Sunday: sleep, study, run, study, sleep. Very symmetrical day.
Wait.
You saw Joseph? Oh god. I hope you smacked him in the head and punched him a few times for me. Please say you did. "We talked for a small amount of time. I needed to get to work. He seems exactly the same. He hasn't changed one bit." Thank God. That means there is still hope he'll rot alone and slowly self-destruct in his own misery, the misery that is Joseph.
I finally told Justin how I felt. I was pretty disturbed when he said he saw him and talked to him. " You should see him. I mean, you hung out with him more than you did me. You should definitely go see him. Especially if he makes you happy." No. That little fuck-tard will only bring back memories of frustration, and make me miserable again. I will never be happy again with him. I'm sorry, but no.
Forgive and forget?
How many of us know of that one dysfunctional couple? You know, the one where the guy is a jerk, and the girl is change-blinded by love.
Sometimes the guy does something incredibly hurtful, the girl is hurt, and soon they both say they are sorry. Umm.. no, what the fuck is that? "It's okay, I still love you." The girl goes back to him and the cycle repeats itself.
There are too many times that we "forgive" people too easily. And two types of this I'd like to focus on. One where we completely forgive and move on (forgiving and forgetting, like the girl in the above example), and one where we say we forgive, only to actually bottle up the anger and feed our grudge ("forgiving" and growing a grudge, like the girl in the following example).
The girl is washing the dishes. The guy is on the sofa watching tv. She notices the wooden spoon that her mother sent from home is badly burnt and the handle is breaking apart. Her heart sinks. "Did you do this?" "Oh yea, sorry hun". Umm.. no, fuck that, you fucking messed up my wooden spoon. "It's okay! *smiley face and giggle*". The scenario mutates into practically every argument they have.
I'm not doing that. Not again. Not after experiencing first hand what it feels like to have all that effort of holding the anger in and quenching the grudge to be happy. I've noticed a few changes in my temperament in certain situations. At the movie theaters in Daly City, if the person behind me was constantly kicking my chair, I dealt with it and I didn't give a crap who it was. "Stop kicking my chair". My roommate and I were going to have guests over one night, and I knew that I'd be having someone in my room, which at the time was a complete mess. Cleaned up and asked Justin if he could clean up his stuff too, that I'd be having someone over. "What, are they going to go through our things and criticize our room?" "No, I want it clean. No one likes a messy room. Just clean it up". After severe reluctancy, being the passive-aggressive he's known to be, he says "Come check out our room". Mind you, we have guests over and I'm serving out rigatoni to friends. "Justin, it's fine, as long as you cleaned it". "I just want to make sure it's clean enough for you". Disssss... . Two Fridays ago I'm finishing up a physics lab with my group. The last bit was to describe how we'd estimate the amount of M&M's in a jar. To help figure it out, our TA gave one group the jar filled somewhat halfway with M&M's, and an empty jar, and this was passed around the lab. After my group was done with it, I went to the table across from us and offered them the jars. "No, we don't need it right, now, thank you though! *smile*". Nice people. I go over to the next table. I ask. I'm greeted by a girl that after my question looks at me with a smug expression and rudely says "No, does it look like we need it? Come back later". Uh, no. I'm not taking that. So I throw the empty jar right at her face, and I open the lid to the other jar and propel all the M&M's at her. Well, in my imagination. I just rolled my eyes and went back to my group of friendly classmates.
Did I forgive and forget in all three situations? I "forgot", in the sense that I didn't hold a grudge in any of them. But what about forgiving? How do you forgive? To me, forgiving doesn't mean that I let the other person off the hook, or that I pretend it never happened. Forgiving is when you know that whatever happened has happened, and you have minimal current feelings associated with whatever happened.
For the first part of my definition of forgiving, it is not as simple as accepting "it" as it is, and disregarding it, tossing it aside and forgetting it ever happened, but rather always knowing that it happened (quite the opposite, really).
Hey remember that time when we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth?
Hey remember that time when my favorite colors was pink and green?
Hey remember that time when I only ate boxes of tangerines? So cheap and juicy! Tangerines.
Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare?
Hey remember that time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes?
As for the second part, you don't hold a judge when you forgive. That's not forgiving. But you also don't just let it pass, and you become emotionless. I think it's best to always let it bother you, just a bit. If you go around and don't let it disturb you, when it happens again you'll let it slide. If it always bothers you, when it happens again, you'll do something about it. You will not let it slide. So you can't hold a grudge if you want to truly forgive someone for something, but you also can't let it mean nothing to you.
The person kicking my chair stopped. Never hit my chair again. I didn't hold a grudge, and I didn't feel anger towards him. But at the same time, I'll always be bothered if someone is kicking my chair. I forgave him. Justin being a passive-aggressive friend? He did his part. He organized his stuff. It's his personality. It's not something that you can forgive. I just don't care. Sure it'd be nice if he changed. I'll bring it up one day. But until then, it's yet to bother me to the point where it bothers me. Ha. The rude girl in physics? I don't forgive her. I have no reason to. I don't forgive people the way I pass out smiles. If they don't deserve to be forgiven, why should I do so? I'm not going to forgive someone that is unnecessarily rude, but I won't hold a grudge either, and I'm most likely not going to trip her on purpose the next time I see her.
Point in hand. Joseph. Have I forgiven him? No. There is still too much anger and bitterness. Too much remorse and regret. Too big of a grudge. Will I forgive him? I don't know. I just know that at this point his unchanging personality and self-destructing patheticalness upsets me and I never want to come in contact with such a thing. Ever.
I fed a cat today. =)
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